


Dean's Earliest Memory

by thatwriterlady



Series: 30 Day Writing Challenge 2015 [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Childhood Memories, Fluff, Gay Male Character, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Insecure Dean, Love, M/M, Patient Castiel, Peace, Safety, Security
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-30 08:52:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5157686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatwriterlady/pseuds/thatwriterlady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone thinks Dean's memories only go as far back as the night of the fire when his mother Mary died, but they go back much further than that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dean's Earliest Memory

**Author's Note:**

> So I wanted to see if I could write a 1000 words or more without any dialogue, and I have done that here. Hopefully everyone likes it...

**Earliest Memory**

Dean remembered things. He remembered most things, actually. Like the time their dad gave Sam peanut butter, and the kid was so backed up they ended up in the ER so his one year old brother could receive an enema.

He remembered the soft touch of his mother’s hair as it brushed across his cheek as she tucked him into bed each night. 

He remembered the day Sam was born. Not even Sam knew that. How his father had jumped up from his seat next to Dean on the couch when Mary had cried out from those first contractions, and run to her side. There had been a flurry of activity after that, and Dean remembered it all. His grandfather’s pride, his father’s nervous excitement, the ice cream that was thrust at him in an attempt to keep him still and occupied, though he was already sitting quietly, like the good little boy his mama was raising him to be. 

All of this he remembered and more. One memory though, stuck out from the rest, and it was one he had never shared with anyone. He treasured it, holding it close to his heart. It was faded around the edges now, after all this time, but he held on to it. He always would.

When Dean was just a baby, his mother would swaddle him in warm blankets, cradling him close to her breast as she sung softly to him. Sam thought his memory of her singing Hey Jude stemmed from when he was a little boy, after Sam had been born, but no, the memory went back much, much further than that. His mother’s soap, the clean scent of her skin, the soft sound of her voice as she sang him to sleep, it was all locked away in his memory bank.

His blanket had been blue, fleece lined with a silky satin edging that would brush across his cheeks as she bundled him up, and he would look up at her, memorizing her face. She’d been so beautiful, so perfect. In all of his thirty seven years he had never found anyone that made him feel even half as safe and loved as she had. Until Cas came into his life, that is.

Sure, Sam was his brother, and Sam was as loyal to Dean as a brother could be, but even he had hurt Dean in the past, and on more than one occasion had caused Dean to doubt how much he really loved him. Such was most normal relationships between brothers, he supposed. And while he knew his father loved him, their relationship had been strained at best ever since Mary Winchester had died. Cas, however, had made it his mission to never hurt Dean. Dean was his priority, and when he was with Cas, he knew he was loved unconditionally. 

Though the blankets now were gray, and not nearly as soft as the ones in which he’d been swaddled as an infant, there was a sense of familiarity as they crawled into bed each night. The way Cas would pull him close and hum softly the same tune Mary Winchester had sung to lull a sleepy infant Dean to sleep each night, and the way those perfect lips would brush lightly across his temple just as he was on the verge of sleep. The soft whispers of ‘ _I love you_ ’ as Cas held him reminded him of his mother’s embrace, not because Cas was feminine, because he most certainly was not. It was because, no matter how Dean felt, no matter his insecurities, his fears, his tendencies toward self-doubt and his low self-esteem, Cas made him feel safe, loved and wanted, something only his mother had been able to do. Curling into his lover’s embrace each night, there was no place he ever wanted to be other than right there, in that moment, and he knew, without a doubt, that Cas felt the exact same way.

Cas was the only person that Dean felt fully comfortable telling everything to. Cas did not judge him or make him feel like he was less than perfect, and for that alone, Dean loved him more than anything in the world. He had been on the receiving end of some horrible insults when he had first started dating Cas. Some of the worst insults had come from people that he had counted as close friends, and even a few family members. One or two had even come from his own father. That had hurt worse than anything else that had been said. They had attacked his masculinity, called him awful names, pushed him to his breaking point, made him feel like he was worthless. But Cas, he had swept in with his patience and understanding, refusing to allow Dean to push him away, refusing to let him isolate himself and convince himself that he was worthless, that he didn’t deserve Cas’ love. 

It was in the beginning of their relationship that Dean learned who his real friends were, and who he could count on. Sam had been supportive, as had Ellen and Bobby. His father, while upset at first had eventually come around. He now loved Cas as much as he did his own sons, and that was important to Dean. 

As they laid side by side in bed, his fingers twirling through the dark mess that Cas called hair, his mind turned once more to his mother. Beauty, patience, unconditional love, all things she had showered him with those first few years of his life before she had died in that fire, and all things he had clung to with every ounce of his being over the next fourteen years, until Cas walked into his life. Cas, with his gummy smiles and shy glances, had sat next to him in that first class on that first day. It had been so random, him plunking down in the seat next to the boy with the bluest eyes he had ever seen in his life, but fate had a way of seeming random when it was most definitely not. Looking back, he now believed it was more his destiny that he had taken that seat that day, and that in his rush to get out of his dorm that morning, he had forgotten all of the writing utensils he had stocked up on before coming to the university. He’d been forced to tap the boy next to him on the shoulder and ask to borrow a pencil, and the smile he’d received had been enough to give him pause. Before Cas he hadn’t even considered that he could be attracted to other men, but there was something about his gentle nature that had reminded Dean so much of his mother, and he’d found he wanted to get to know the boy better. 

Asking Cas if he wanted to hang out had turned into a need to be around the other boy as much as Cas could stand him, and then a need to touch him, to be close to him. Friendly shoulder bumps had turned to soft touches in attempts to make those blue eyes look at him. From day one Cas had made him feel like he really saw Dean, and he craved that. He craved _Cas_. Soft touches turned to sitting close when studying, thighs pressed together, hip to hip as they went over formulas, quadratic equations, essays, any reason Dean could find to have Cas near him. 

Cas became his best friend, someone he could count on to always be there for him, and whom he realized he wanted to do the same for in return. It was in the spring of their second year of college when Dean realized he didn’t want to be away from his friend. He had brought Cas home to meet the family over spring break, and it had been a lot of fun. Cas had wanted to hear all of his stories, see all of the places that he had stored up memories of, and partake in whatever activities the Winchester boys thought up. Returning to school with Cas at his side had given Dean the motivation to continue on and earn the degree that he had begun to doubt he was smart enough to earn. Cas had faith in him, so he found that same faith in himself. 

Their third year of school brought issues. Cas was under a lot of stress and Dean wanted to ease some of it. As winter break approached, Dean asked Cas if he wanted to come home with him for the holidays as he had the year before. Dean wanted him there. But Cas, he had other plans, and when he found that they included going home with a boy he had just started seeing, it had dawned on Dean in that moment exactly what Cas meant to him.

That he was head over heels in love with his best friend.

It had been a difficult realization but once he had come to terms with it, he realized he couldn’t just go on without telling Cas how he felt. And so, at the risk of pushing his friend away, he brought him up to his dorm one cold December night shortly after Thanksgiving and had confessed everything. He had expected rejection, insults, even losing his friend forever. 

He had not expected for Cas to love him in return.

His confession had been met with soft kisses and whispered ‘I love you’s’, and for the first time since he was a little boy, he had believed it. He took Cas home with him that Christmas and made the slow announcement to everyone that Cas was not just his best friend, but his boyfriend. It had been met with so many mixed feelings, but Cas had held his hand through it all, told him he was valuable, loved, _needed_ , and Dean had believed him. That had been so many years ago now, yet just as the memories of Mary Winchester, it had never faded. 

 

Their senior year they had decided to try living together. They had gotten an apartment off campus that was still close enough for them to easily make the walk, and they had both survived that last year of college, graduating and earning the jobs they had wanted. That Christmas, Dean had proposed. If there was one thing he had known from the moment he had first spoken to Cas, it was that he didn’t want to live his life without the man in it. Cas had said yes, and two years later they had married. It had been a simple ceremony, something they had both agreed on, with only their closest family and friends attending. Now, fourteen years later Dean was still happily married, completely in love with his husband, and secure in the knowledge that Cas was just as deeply in love with him too. 

He nestled in closer, wrapping his arms around his husband’s waist, pulling the sleeping man back against his chest so that he could bury his nose in the crook of Cas’ shoulder. A soft moan as the man stirred brought a smile to his own lips. All these years and he still smiled every morning waking with this man in his arms. Was this what it had been like when he’d been a baby and he had slowly woken in his mother’s warm embrace? Some mornings he woke in Cas’ arms and some mornings, like this one, he woke with Cas in his. Tender kisses along his husband’s bare shoulder earned him a soft sigh and a smile as Cas rolled over to face him. Yes, some things in life were definitely worth remembering, whether they be the memory of his mother’s smile as she rocked him to sleep as an infant, or the look of absolute love in his husband’s eyes when he first wakes up. These were the things Dean treasured the most.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, this one left me feeling so incredibly warm and fuzzy, and I even teared up a bit at the very end, it's just so tender. Sometimes I surprise myself. I hope you all liked it too. 
> 
> So this was Day Two of the 30 Day Writing Challenge. Leave a comment, let me know what you think. Leave a kudos too if you like. Thank you for reading!


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